So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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