I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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