there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
