I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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