How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
