shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
