You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Please don't give away my fajitas
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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