Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
