Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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