I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Randomize
