I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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