Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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