Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
sarcasm needs its own font
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
