Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
