walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize