So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize