Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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