I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I could fuck to npr.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
