i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
