so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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