i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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