I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
