Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
