Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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