he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
