I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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