it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
