Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
