seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
