My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
