She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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