Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
