I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
