He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
