It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
