ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
