Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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