new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
