just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
