I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
