I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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