I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
