M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
