1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
