u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
