I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize