Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Enjoy the penises
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
