insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
