Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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