My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
