It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
