like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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