meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
