I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
