i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
