Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
