Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm sobbing to NWA
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
