Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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