Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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