I think i peed on brittanys purse
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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