Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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