I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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